If we were a movie—

Dear Nia my stereotypical nasty nerd gave me a prompt of framing my life as a movie, sketching out a plot aaand casting members of ze audience aka you as its supporting characters.

Little did Nia know that my life was already quite a huge Broadway production.

*crickets’ sound*

*cue shot of Vee lying in bed watching TV the whole day*

AND THEME SONG! I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation— zooms past in a convertible.

My movie is a typical 90’s click flick and I may or may not be Lindsay Lohan. Everyday is a bright sunny day because nothing goes wrong in my life, unless it’s that time of the month (you know when they run out of cupcakes.) I live in an amalgamation of America and India and Xavier’s is the only damn place that comes close to this.

Let me introduce you to my side kicks, my fellow prompter Nia with the super power of saying ‘RUDE’ like a 12-year-old kid. But I kinda love her because she keeps my nerd in check and let’s me believe I’m normal. And the second is Rochana who will probably kill me if I call her my sidekick because being deadly is in her genes, so let’s make sure she never sees this post.

Christina sits at one corner smirking as I type this. She’s the person in the movie who’s employed to clean up all my mess. But Chris yells, ‘the less I have to deal with, the better.’ So we keep her off the screen and more on Twitter updates. And sometimes messaging.

The plot begins. After scrambled shots of what seems like happening moments during the theme song, Vee enters her college with her best pal Rochana talking about life and the lovely distraction it is till death meets all of us. Of course Vee has never known disappointment in her life because she has everything she has ever wanted: She owns a Mc Donalds’ store! She is as fat as they come but them boys love her nevertheless.

As they enter college Rochana sees something strange! Indeed! It’s a new boy at school. He is to be called Medu. (which rhymes with his real name…. ish) Medu is not every girl’s dream. He is exactly the opposite of that- short, stubby, unkempt hair and curly beard with specs that could blind a person, he is everything opposite of a dream. And yet, everybody seems to be flocking around him like he’s the only cronut left in New York. Apparently he’s a genius but Vee doesn’t want to admit that. Vee and Rochana go to check out what the fuss is all about but don’t seem to get the hype and Vee decides never to add this boy on Facebook as her friend.

Then comes the scene of how brilliant Vee is in her favorite teacher Pranoti’s class. *Rochana coughs in the background. FArun stumbles in the corridor. Medu is trying to outsmart Vee in the sociology class but fails.*

Cue break time where Vee unites with all her friends in the foyer and then breaks into a choreographed dance routine about food and difficult decisions of what to eat *French guys try to imitate the steps, fail but still manage to look hot* Ryo and Kiyoshi judging Vee and her friends in Japanese and seriously considering their friendship.

During the song Vee realizes that she must make an effort to reunite with her love interest AH. But ugh, stupid boy doesn’t like the sweet girl next door, so Vee has to step up her game. In yet another item number (which plays under Aggie’s nose) Vee undergoes a transformation and becomes desirable and wild. Or whatever. Cut to the next scene where Vee texts AH, ‘Hey wanna come over, watch a movie, make out and then get kicked out of my house like the dirty scoundrel you are:).’ 

Vee gets a disappointing reply back which makes her realize she is just more than a piece of meat and Nia take a baseball bat to remind AH what an asshole he is. In the pathos that the next scene generates the audience (and especially Karl Aaron) tear up to see how Vee strips herself off her former beliefs ( those that I, as writer of this post, has conveniently forgotten to mention in my character description.) Suddenly, (like how time flies in all movies) it’s Halloween and Vee has the biggest identity crisis. She doesn’t know who to be?  (Also she isn’t getting costumes in her size, but that aside.)

Then enter Medu, with his stupid face clean of all his beard. Vee sees him and feels a tingling in her Kanye West Down South. But this is not your ordinary love story. Okay? Okay.

“Hey,” Medu says, looking at her tenderly.

Vee raises her eyes to meet his. “Hey.”

“I just wanted to tell you—” he starts to say, smiling gently, as if in love.

“Yeah,” Vee is all shy.

“MY GPA IS HIGHER THAN YOURS SUCKAAAAAAA.”

……and that’s how Medu died.

If only.

Of course Vee didn’t kill him because otherwise this movie would never pass the censor board of India. Instead she decided she finally knew what she wanted to be on Halloween.

She picked up a cardboard and made a sign out of it. Then she wore the sign around her neck. It said : Slightly better version of myself. That’s what she would be on Halloween.

And maybe on the other days too.

Finally, as she sits on a carpet covered with candy wrappers (no way is she fitting into that Prom dress now) she hears a whizzing sound. First she thinks its only her dead grandma haunting her. But then she realizes that this sound is way too familiar.

“Come with me, Vee.”

She turned around and saw David Tennant. And a Tardis. Jesus, then he extended his arm and said, “Anywhere in this universe! Any planet you like. I am the Doctor!”

“We both know you’re just a good doppelganger with a very real looking time machine.”

“Really?” David Tennant smiled at her. “Why don’t you give it a go then?”

Despite being skeptical and probably high with all that sugar, Vee decided to step into that Tardis. It was bigger on the inside! Little did she know that the slightly better version of herself would not only be smarter that Medu (and I’m not talking GPAs here) but would also save lives.

Credits roll.

Hence, if my life was ever to be a movie, I’d be institutionalized by now.

-Vee

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