“The OG list came out.
I feel worthless.”
It was a small text. But you know what? Even the smallest wounds hurt like a bitch.
I’m not saying that my college fest Malhar was ever the center of my life. But like every normal human being, I wanted to be part of the drama that surrounded another 3k people. For the next 4 months the only things that my fellow Xavierites will be talking about will be Malhar, the OGs, OCs, Volunteering, Apps and how bad the tee shirts are. Everyone will want to be into each other’s noses, some even making themselves feel important over such tasks. The person who last hears about any piece of gossip will be made to feel as if they are missing out on the entire purpose of life, but oh well at least they know which OG said what to which OC, so now they are clear of social damnation.
Of course, I’m just hyping most of these things up, because I AM PISSED.
Not in the way that it can turn me into a green gigantic beast wearing torn pants (see Hulk.) But just in the way that once again I will be part of that population who will be given no importance or fame in the course of this fest. It’s true, your popularity score goes way up if you’re the head of any department in Malhar. And since denying this won’t help me, I do want to have a taste of what it feels like to be on the top, to have your name spoken of and about, in official and unofficial sense and to have people look up to you because you were just not another volunteer.
I think the other part that makes me feel worthless is that SO MANY of my friends became heads, that it almost seems like Fate is laughing at me for not making it. Like, HAHAHA, you actually thought you were good enough?
Sigh. I don’t really know if being the head is all that important? I know I’d complain about the number of times I’d have to go to college to WORK, that too in this weather where you can boil an egg under the sun’s rays. But then not getting through makes me wonder if people’s perception of me changes. Do they see me as the loser? in no politer terms or do they pity me, feel sad for me? My friends were shocked when I didn’t get in, because apparently I have ‘talent.’ Which I think I do. I write decently well. But then if the people who do have it in them don’t make it through the race what is the point?
Is this life? Am I always going to be lagging behind just because I have some minor issues. Or is this just a lesson that life is going to be tough and you gotta get up each disappointing morning to see what the day actually brings.
I’m not sad or anything. Most of the time I don’t really think about not making it into the team of heads. But in a few months when the college will be swimming in Malhar madness, I will feel quite worthless because I didn’t make it again (see Applied for OG last year as well.) Whenever I write a blog post its mainly because I have some sort of moral at the end to share with the world. But today I have none. Everyone says that whatever happens, happens for the best. And when one door closes another opens and yada yada yada.
But you know what? Until that door opens it still sucks. And I’m stuck in this sucky room without doors or windows and the lack of the possibility of opportunity knocking, because there are no doors and windows.
So this will be it. Me drowning in yet another uncomplicated situation which I totally managed to dramatize. I have too many feels.