Remember when I told you writing to you is the easiest?
It still is.
I remember writing down those words, thinking about how you’ll react to them. Whether you’ll understand or not – a tiny part of me was fully sure you would. Of course you would. That’s what I had made you up in my head – maybe you are an arsehole, but you’d still understand my words. That’s a blind belief I am ready to fall head-first into. Because without that faith, telling you anything is dangerous.
So did it hurt me when I fell?
Oh infinitely so.
Maybe all the surprise lied in the fact that I didn’t even expect you to talk to me. How did it even happen? Time passes so fast, and not as one wants it to go. One morning I’m telling you all that I feel and the next I glue my eyes to floor to ignore your beautiful face (<– its not really beautiful I’m just romantizing.) At 9:40 you tell me I’m too young to date you and a few months later you date a girl whose my age. On boxing day I feel as though you’re finally opening up to me when you say your parents might kick you out if you don’t graduate and here you are, uncertain and off to yet another farewell party.
I want to be that girl on your shoulders. But then again, I don’t. Because it would be too good to be true. It’s something that’s not meant to happen. However, every time I see you, the urge to get up and come running towards you, to say something, anything turns me into a block of cold ice. You’ve held my hands, you know how dead I can feel to the world. And yet, all I want to do is hold your hand.
I worry about you so much. So much that it makes me want to cry. And I can’t tell anyone or talk to anyone about it because I don’t think they will understand you. Maybe I don’t understand you either, you always says I don’t know the real you. But sometimes I wish I could make it better through your hurting, because I know you are.
Sometimes I don’t believe it either. You seem so happy all the time. Maybe that’s the skill of a truly broken person. But if you really are happy, I’m happy then. I’m happy you found her because I know she brings you smiles and your crunchy smiley face is indeed something.
It’s going to be another year of seeing you around. When I prayed for you to be in my life longer, I didn’t really ask for this. If I was in your place, I’d hide my face under a pillow till I was smouldered by the pressure. But you’re still out there, living it like it’s your One Last TYme. I hope this time around will be wonderful. And I want you to know that I am there, even though now a days we talk lesser, never see each other and fade out like a beaten old track.
I want you to know that I really do care, so much. Even if you don’t.