About three weeks or so ago, my maid fell ill and stopped coming to work. (hello from India where yes, our lazy asses need house helps) Now I didn’t find any problem in this, rather I was delighted – I was no longer obliged to go home on time and supervise her work. I could stop worrying about making calls to co-ordinate her schedule with mine and sometimes making compromises. So I was happy. In a way.
Whenever I think of happiness – I don’t know what to think of really. I wish I knew what makes me happy. I know laughing makes me happy. Laughing with Rochana and Tiara and Nithya definitely makes me very happy. And then sometimes, he makes me happy. And McDonald’s burgers makes me happy and my home friends surprising me makes me happy. But this happiness comes to me only for tiny minuscule portions and more than half the time I’m waiting for more, for something better, for something happier to come along.
I really wish I knew what sort of happiness would fill me.
Cause some days I get up and I feel new and I feel today is going to be an amazing day. And then the bubble bursts and my head starts speaking in tongues and tells me, “Who are you kidding, you lil piece of shit?” And sometimes this happiness that I want starts getting defined in what I see of others. If some girl with a weird nose job (It’s the only way to describe her, trust me) gets invited somewhere, I’ll start evaluating why I wasn’t worth the invite. And I guess, a lot of the times people disappoint you too, and life can suck balls because of that. I know that, because sometimes I make particular people the only source of my happiness and that’s the most shitty thing to do.
Just in the way, Indian households depend on maids, I was depending on people to make me happy. People are important. I love each of these stupid twits even if they disappoint me, but I think I have to start seeing that it’s not their duty to make me happy. I have to, once in a while at least, take the broom and start sweeping the floors of my destitute life myself. I have to make the effort to stop getting affected from what people say or do or didn’t do. And most of all, I have to believe that happiness is possible.
I mean, I think love is an illusion, and just like it is happiness. But sometimes its okay to believe that everything is possible and everything is magic. I mean today seemed pretty awesome, I even wrote a blog post! And nothing really awesome actually happened. I guess most of the things occur just because we believe they can. (In that case, let’s all just believe Ben and I are gonna end together) I’ve always thought that our feelings are something we can control, even though Rochana tells me that we shouldn’t control our feelings or what’s the point of them. And I guess that’s true when it comes to accepting the love we think we deserve. But when I’m feeling shitty because of some stupid thing, I don’t want to go all emo and cut my wrists and unnecessarily harm myself. I think at the desperate parts of life, it’s important to take control of the way we feel. Cause if we don’t try to make ourselves feel better, we don’t deserve other people to try for us. I guess, it’s time to start picking up the pieces and getting along and taking a bus and going away. It’s time to clean up the mess and make room for some happiness.
Tiny room at that, so be it.