goodbye.

Hello,
I’m Salonie.
I started this blog when I was 15 because I believed I could write and I needed a safe place to work on it. Whoa! (how incredibly innovative) gave me just that – starting off with rubbish ramblings about the mundane to disclosing dearest secrets about loved ones. It was a place I could be whoever, specifically, Vee.

Vee is still here. But she is graduating from this platform. Over time I’ve found it harder to write words that really impress me – because at the end of the day, no one scrutinizes these posts more than I do. And if I wasn’t happy, what is the point really?

I think the point is that I tried. We all tried. Thank you for reading these words, your eyes glaring at a laptop screen means much to me. And a tiny part of me hopes that Vee made you feel like you could connect, like you weren’t alone and like you could smile, the way she’s done it for me.

Gosh, Salonie, stop talking like you have an alter ego.

 

Good bye,
and love,
me.

 

Elaborate.

“I have this stupid mechanism of ignoring things because dwelling on it will hurt.

You know what I’m talking about.

I move on. Because it’s the easiest thing to do. The coward’s move.
I do it. Nobody wants to get hurt. I’m not putting myself against that equation.

They say it hurts because it matters. And talking about it will help. So this is me, talking to myself and acknowledging that it did matter. Exhibit A was person I never imagined I would have a life with. Every other exhibit stayed for a year (tops) and left. If they didn’t leave they’d become antiques and who ever appreciates that?

Exhibit A was cool. Which is why I thought A wouldn’t be my friend. I could try. But that’s a long shot. Exhibit A gave me extra cola. It was in passing. An action of no significance. Exhibit A let me mess A’s hair and rub my hands across A’s face. What a gross friendship, specially with me and my sweaty palms. But it intrigued A.
I could go on.
Exhibit A made me feel comfortable. Comforted me. Spread its legs across the sofa and accepted me with my no bra policy. Exhibit A talked. Asked a lot of questions. Was concerned. Was anxious. Was there.”

The jury looks at me. The judge asks, “Where is Exhibit A right now?” For the evidence box is empty. No proof of its existence. No validation for the past.

Like it never happened.

I’m a little scared Exhibit A thinks that too. I didn’t want A to forget anything.

So I simply said I don’t know.

The judge towered over me, “Elaborate.”

But if I could, I wouldn’t be pleading guilty for the noose.

 

 

Mayonnaise.

It would have extremely unlike her to go up to a random person and gobble their chicken roll. She didn’t know what she was thinking! One moment she was being introduced to a friend of her friend, and the next minute she was shoving his second roll of meat down her throat. Okay, that sounded …disgusting.

Which is why thank goodness there was no mayonnaise in the roll, or it would all be dripping down the sides of her mouth, like the ungracious munching machine that it was. “But why isn’t there Mayonnaise?” she thought out loud. He, Elijah, turned to look at her, slightly amused, deliberating this first chat, his first reaction. “I think there should be Mayonnaise too.” She, Ali, was just going to nod, hmm and munch, when he went on to say, “This grown man of 20 is going to tell his mom to put mayonnaise in his tiffin rolls from this Tuesday.” She didn’t want to, but she found herself smiling.

***

She was walking through the woods from a class she had just finished. Instinctively, her hand rose to wave at him. Less than a thousand words. Less than a hundred. Less than a fifty?

She waved, because acquaintances were nice. And there was something about him.

***

“You have to stop this. You can’t keep pining your hopes on sack of meat who doesn’t care about you!” Ruth was saying. She was supposed to be yelling, but that hardly worked in a classroom.

“I can’t, I love him,” Ali whispered back hopelessly. Her face was crumbling, her eyes damp without any signs of tears, like she had wrung them off their capabilities to produce more. “Why doesn’t he understand? Can’t he see?” She used simple sentences, because it was. Her queries were basic. Her problems were tiny. His eyes were blind.

“You can’t save people who don’t want to be saved,” she said quietly to herself. It was some kind of reasoning that she used to liberate him from her hold. In a blur of steps that she took, she passed Elijah, not even noticing that he had waved by.

***

“Your hands are cold,” Elijah said.

“Yeah, it happens when I get nervous,” Ali replied, looking at a boy beyond him. But Elijah did not know.

***

Elijah looked into his friend’s phone. All this while he had been keeping quiet, a task which was quite manageable given that everyone in the foyer seemed to be talking to themselves, aloud. “Who’s that with her?” he point to Ali’s What’ App contact.

“That’s the guy she’s been going out with.”

“Oh.”

***

The next time she saw him, he hadn’t seen her. What took over her body and made her grab his shoulder she’d never know. It had been months and months since they last said a proper “Hello, how do you do?”

“Elijah,” she simply said. “Hi,” cautiously taking her hand off his shoulder.

“Hey, hey,” he seemed to be in a hurry.

From another end someone called out to him. “Off to some place?” Ali asked stupidly.

“Yeah,” he sighed instantly, happily.

The other voice called back to him again, “Your chic’s class just got done, she’s waiting for us. Let’s go.”

Ali would have waited to politely say goodbye, but those demons that were possessing her thought otherwise. She had left before the end of that sentence.

***

In a huge sea of people, he saw Ali standing with her group, eating, laughing and looking gorgeous at the same time.

A few months ago, he would have tapped her and said hi. Today he had something else to do. A love  letter in his hand, he walked passed her and to someone else.

***

An entire year had passed

***

“You’re still here!” Ali burst. She encircled in with her arms and even he looked surprised.

“Well, I still have a few exams left and then I’ll be gone for good. You still a year left right?”

“Right.”

Smiles.

“You’re always free on Saturdays, 9:40?” he asked.

“Yeah, the professor canceled our lectures for this month, at least.”

“Oh,” he scratched his head. “Well, an early breakfast is always a good thing.” Neither of them mentioned the mayonnaise. “I gotta go to the lab for my practicals now,” he said, taking bag over his shoulder. Quickly, without a beat she replied, “I’ll walk you there, I’m free anyway.” She turned to grab her satchel, but in her hurry she hit her leg across the table.

“Ouch.”

“Whoa?”

“What happened?” she looked at him, then her leg. “Oh God, is that blood. Why is there blood on my leg!” Elijah bent down and dramatically pointed out to the nail sticking out of the table. “Thank goodness I was here or otherwise how would you have answered that question.”

“Oh shut up,” she smiled at him.

He took out a band aid out of his bag, antiseptics and cotton rolls tumbling out. “I thought you were a physics student…” she mumbled.

“Nope, I’m Elijah the Emergency guy,” he said ripped off the seal of the band aid.

“I can do it myself.”

And then in a voice she hadn’t heard before, he said, “It’s fine, let me.” The protest in her throat died down, as a his fingers rubbed on the band aid securing it in place. She wanted to tell him it was a sweet gesture, but her words got lost in an attempt of trying to explain what any of this was.

Right then she saw the girl he was dating, and in a mad fervor to get away from what she was feeling, she said, “Hey isn’t that your girlfriend.” He turned his face up to look, and the next moment the leg that he was kneeling beside was gone.

***

The last of the Physics Exams were over

***

Ali pressed delete.

Her group of five had encircled her as she performed the solemn ritual of destroying everything that reminded her of the boy she once loved. They let out a collective sigh.From the corner of her eye, she saw someone walk to the general office. Elijah! He was probably collecting his mark sheet.

“I know Dean looks hot and all-” one of her friends was saying. They were looking at their pictures. “-but he looks so mediocre in this picture,” another one finished. “Don’t delete it if you don’t want to- I mean, half of your face is also there in that picture and you look pretty rad.”

She cut them, “I’m doing it. Delete.”

She sighed. Everything was coming to an end.

***

A nice shady lane, the leaves twinkled in the sun light. She could almost hear them sing. Or was that her I-pod. Against the black marble, she loved the sight of her reflection, her legs thudding heavily against the ground, her body moving like a beautiful hurricane. She couldn’t believe she was smiling.

All to herself.

Upon entering college with this grand feeling of fulfillment and carpe diem that getting up on time would give you, she realized that actually she wasn’t on time and quite late for her 9:40 lecture. She buzzed like a soda pop in between her friends, her voice ringing loud and confident. She had all the new jokes up her sleeves, all the “your mom” comebacks on the tip of her tongue. There was so little that a good ray of sunlight couldn’t do. And she was so, so happy.

She turned round the corner and bumped into someone, ready to giggle and embarrass the stranger.

“Don’t you have this lecture free? It’s a Saturday,” the stranger said.

If she had been carrying any books, she would have dropped it. But all she dropped was her jaw, onto the floor. An entire year. A whole other one had passed. “You have a very old copy of my timetable Elijah,” she said.

“You didn’t even have mine.”

There was lot in between the things they hadn’t said and the things they had heard from others. A lot that had made them turn the other way, take the longer route or try again for a person that wouldn’t come to matter. A lot that amounted to this moment never occurring. But for once they let things be.

“Are you walking me to class or what?”

“Only if you let me wait for you till it gets over.”

“Deal.”

***

They never had mayonnaise chicken rolls ever, but they did have some other things.

 

 

 

It’s a good day to write hard.

Most of my days are prescribed to be started at 6:10 in the morning, the exact minute to wake up in order to not be late for anything. It’s not like I snooze the alarm and never make it to my 8 o’clock lecture, oh never, nope, not me. Na. Da.

And so yes, like ..everyday, I got up on time ..today, like everyday, and attended my 8 o’clock lecture, like everyday. Today was totally not the 1st time in weeks that I had made in time for my 1st lecture, ha ha. And surprisingly (unlike the rest of my narrative so far) the lecture was quite okay, I wasn’t thaaat sleepy and in spite of wearing a hoodie I was very comfy and not hot and bothered, which is an important component that decides how my day goes.

Which is WHAT this post is about!!!!!!

Because if you know me (and you should, coz I’m fab) days are important and how they go is important because existential crisis is something that is on the tip of my tongue, like an ulcer I can’t quite get rid off, and while it doesn’t ache ALL the time, one (aka I) do get tired of talking with a lisp. So the sun was great today, even though it hadn’t risen all that much when I was in the train, it was fiiiine. I met a school friend and awkward his and giggly ‘what are you up to’s were like extra sugars to my tea, because it wasn’t a burden. I always like when conversations are not  burdens, when you can look back at it and be okay. Just okay. My lectures too were quite fiiine. I mean, I really didn’t learn much (or at all) but it wasnt tiring, it didn’t make  me want to die or question the education system, the world or medula oblongata, things I think about very often during these otherwise strenuous lectures.

I think a lot has to do with one’s attitude. All this while, I did depend on people to be happy, which is essential I admit. But I’m learning that you have to know to be okay on your own. To make do with all you have and be okay. Today I went on a walk all on my own, way to the fountain and over to the bookstore that serves food as well. I bought a new book, ate some mac and cheese and completed 70% of my Anna Karenina and then I walked back. Then I stopped to pee in college, cause no way was I holding my bladder for an hour on a local train. And then I spent another hour and half talking to a friend and a professor and it was the most brilliant time ever. A lot of moments I just go too hard on my self, turn every interaction into a performance and grade myself and I forget to live. And I just wanted to stop. I just realized the kind of friends you should have are the ones who don’t make you make an effort at being you. I just wanted to sit on a bench and do my own thing and not be afraid of saying the wrong thing or too tired to make a move. And today I finally realized that I’ve gotten there. I’ve made peace with myself. Once upon a time I did want to fit in with certain types of people, want to replicate a certain life I would try to adapt to their way of speaking with a shrill high pitch girly accent that was alien to me, but I have learnt to be quiet and letmy gruff ‘clearing my throat’ noise speak for itself and it’s civility.I cannot cope with people who haven’t gotten there in life yet and who are still pretending to be someone they’re not but I hope one day they realize, because it’s a beautiful thing, not to try hard.

Because I have tried hard, over and over again, and it makes me cry because it got me nowhere. I felt- to certain extend, still feel like a loser for trying to hard and believing so wide, but that was just me figuring out the treasure map and sometimes the goods are not hidden under the big ol’ X marked there. I hope to reap the fruits of all this scavenging and pirating one day  because for a myopic one eyed sailor, my heart is still made of crystal and shattering it  is totally not on my homosapien agenda. 

When bad thoughts come to me, just like before writing this post, I remind myself (just like Tinker Bell will) that you can only fly with good thoughts in your head (and a tiny bit of pixey dust, yes.) My professor told me that during her farewell she ran home because she didn’t feel comfortable being there, didn’t feel like she could fit in. And all I could think of was that after three years if a place and people made you feel this horrible, they didn’t deserve you and nobody, nobody should feel this way.

So this a note: This a good day to write hard. Because I write when I’m happy. You should do the things that make you happy irrespective of everything . And you should have days that make you happy. And it all starts with that one morning, when you don’t hit the snooze button and decide you can.

 

 

 

Vee,

(I sounded like  a commercial to promote 8 am lectures. Oh well. You’re welcome, autonomy.)

 

 

 

Eighteen.

“Then we shoot across the sky… then we shoot across.”

I was reading the last three years of birthday posts that I’ve written, and my, do I cringe.

KIDDING SALONIE, YOU’RE PERF.

If I had to put down my year long feelings in one description, it would be timeless. And it particularly has to do with how time, in my life, didn’t seem to have a motion. Things happened, and the day passed and things happened again. And I started feeling that nothing was actually touching me or sticking around. I felt like memories were fading away faster than my GPA.
And for the longest while, I was okay with it, cause that way (being the sensitive person I am) I was prone to hurt less(er.) But it isn’t done.

In this year, I forgot my friend’s birthday and didn’t feel half as bad as I should. I also tried for things incessantly, who might have driven so many people up the wall. I also wallowed in self-pity which I think is my all time low.

And I don’t want to be that person.

Because I know life is beautiful. The world isn’t- with its wars and capitalist agenda and illuminati conspiracies, but we are all, still, beautiful. And we’re so much more than just these words.

So recap: I went for my first ever concert, which happened to be Ed Sheeran, which happened to be love. AH. I went to Amer-fricking-ica, also which implies I got my first passport of my life, after 18 years of existence, also which implies the american embassy was like ya gurl, you can enter our country. Also an immigration officer hit on me, as soon as I landed in America, which for no reason I take as a sign of victory. I went to New York, I may have become best friends with Taylor Swift and hung out in her apartment, but I’m not allowed to comment. I was in the defaulters list for all three-four months in my semester and YET, they gave me an A grade, so hmm. I didn’t get into many fests in college this year, and didn’t apply either, but I did do Ithaka for the first time. Even though my play cough cough was rejected, it wasn’t all that bad (okay it was) and I had a really good time. I also did Xstatic! I don’t know why… well, I do. I didn’t want to do a fest because it was popular. And this was perf, because it was small-scale and yet I did more work here than for any other fest that I’ve done so far. And something about doing a Stats fest makes me look smart. I went for a movie with someone I liked and it felt like the most normal thing ever, something I hadn’t felt in the longest while. I won two free books (ugh which I haven’t read yet.) BUT I did read 67 (66?) books this year, KUDOS. My friends and I had an Anti-Prom day, which as elaborate as it sounds, wasn’t. But Imma go as far and say it was the best day in the year. Truly. I hope it was as good for them, as it was for me. I ruined Christmas, but friendships go deeper. I may have written nothing, but I imagined a lot, which I count for something. I went to Elephanta Caves. I was relatively social and not afraid of humans. I traveled more… in Mumbai, which if you know Mumbai is a feat in itself. I also made a short film guise, y’all should check it out!!!!! I finally decided what I want to do in life, and maybe, just maybe, will work towards it.

I’m sure I missed a lot of important moments.
And as I said earlier, the past makes it seem like it didn’t happened at all.
But today morning I got up and remembered all my friends’ birthdays by heart, which I think is a good start.
(I also know all the 50 states of America, just saying.)

In closing I’d like to say that this year I’ve been happy. I’ve been dramatic and silly and irrational, also. But I’ve been happy. And this is a world where everyone is trying real hard to do their best, when its so easy to just let go and do your worst. And you’re allowed leevay and down days. But don’t stop trying. For some moments, I just find the concept of jumping off a train so damn easy. But I realized, I didn’t want to jump and fall, I wanted jump and fly.

So we shoot across the sky, we shoot across the.

I hope 19 is a year of mature decisions and balanced diet and no drama, but who am I kidding. This is a Bollywood story, and I’m taking it one item number at a time.

 

-Vee.